Please let me breath your choking me...this is my fault downward I fall, My minds slipping away

You say I'm babyed, spoiled, and when something doesnt go my way I'm not happy. 

Well I guess you dont know me nearly as much as you thought you did. It seems like nothing Ever goes my way. I just try to deal with what I have. Thats one thing Ive learned from this life of mine...Try to deal with what you have. Ive also learned that you cant always trust the people you thought you could.  

Friends are my life. They make me who I am. They help me make wise decisions and I would like to think that they will always be there for me when I need them. Ive always thought of myself to be smart when it comes to making good close friends. But this time your really proving me to be wrong. I  miss it being 'my girlies'. It seems like it hasnt been that way in f o r e v e r. It seems like we are slowly drifting and you. I dont want this to happen. I want to fix this before its too late.

So it isnt a real update until we hear about some kind of boy youve had you eye only lately. This time he is really something. The way he makes me feel. HE LIKES AND ENJOYS THE COMPANY OF MY FRIENDS. Thats big to me. He is talented...soo amazes me everytime. He makes me angry sometimes. But who doesnt really? he is no 'Him' but i like him a lot and he really gets my mind off of the days things going on.  Lets try not mess anything up with this one Kels.

Im scared. REALLY scared this time. I know this happeneds often, but this time its different. This summer, i'll probably be spending A LOT of time at my dads. My brothers are really going to need me. Im really going to need them too. At least he isnt going to have much pain. I just wish there was a better way. not even going to get into this..there is nothing i can say or do to help him.

                                My one wish in life is for him to be healthy. 

I dont think that is so much to ask for. I have a lot thrown at me and some how I deal with it. But for some reason I cant get over this one for the life of me. I hate seeing him like this. ugh..

Softball's going good. But my hand is a bitch. I dont want it to be over with but i feel like my hand is never going to get better.
oh well....there are bigger problems in life. The other day me Jaci and Gahan walked into the mens bathroom and the ump for our game was taking a was soo funny.

                                     Oh and Im sick with the flu, it sucks ass!

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-Im Tired  -Im Hungry  -Im Mad  -Im Sad  -Im Bored  -Im Lost  -Im Lonely  -I like him  -Im fooish  -Im sometimes too nice  -Im confused - Im blah- 

I don't  want to feel sick. But I dont feel good. I dont want to feel sad. But I dont feel happy. I dont want to feel stupid. But i dont feel smart. I dont want to feel weak. But i cant feel strong.

I dont want to over think anymore. I think about way too much. I feel all wrong. I dont feel myself. 

What is happy mean? I havent felt it in so long, I think ive forgotten what it was REALLY like. This  Happiness I have now... Isnt happiness. Its something I replace real happiness with because I dont know how to feel.

I like Him.....a Lot. But maybe it is too soon. I don't want to mess anything up. He is such a good person.I want to ask him. But...How do I say it? How do i act? What do I say? I  dont know. What if he says no? what if it doesnt work out? ugh!

I want to say how I feel but it probably isnt best. So i keep it to myself hoping soon it will pass over and everything will be fine...Normal. what is Normal anyway? its such a funny word. You know like one of those words that dont really have a real definition. Define Normal. Am I normal? I cant be. A "normal" person doesnt feel like this. They dont over-think like this.

Friends. Ha. Who needs them?...I do actually. I sometimes feel like they dont realize or understand how much I need them. More then ever right now. Things I guess are "normal" in the group. I dont think they care for me as much as i care for them. I dont think they realize how much they hurt me in a way. I dont think I should feel like a close also like my worst enemy. I shouldnt have to worry day and night if my friends are talking behind my back or not. Those arent friends. I have to watch what I say around my friends sometimes and wonder what they really think of something. Like if they are saying one thing but they dont really mean it. why cant we ALL be friends on the same daY? Like why cant She be friends with her, her, and me in one day, instead of her and only her for the day but tomorrow it will be someone different? Why do we have to compete with eachother? Someone always gets hurt in a competition. Why would you want to do that to your friend?


  • Current Music
    Gilmore Girls

(no subject)

it seems like forever since my last update. I almost updating the other day. It was all finished and everything but then i decided not to post it.

Soo...My dad is sick again. back in the hospital.It really depresses me every time. I get to thinking about things. I over analyze things and my mind just goes CRAZY!. I hate it. Like yesterday i realized I took so much for granted. and I don,t wanna be the type of person that takes everything for granted and when that thing is gone realize how much i missed out on it or how i didnt realize what i had until it was gone... I mean there are people out there with seriously nothing and i get pissed when my computer is messed up for the day or something stupid like that. There people out there in wheelchairs and messed up legs that would do anything just to be able to run around and be able to play baseball or something for a day and im here with two healthy legs and i sit around all day pretty much doing nothing. I could get up and take a jog or play a sport other then softball...but i dont and it sucks. But im gunna start doing somthing about it. I mean yeah this prolly sounds really really gay to some people and thats fine. But i wanna do sumthing to help someone. i know taking a jog once aday isnt going to help someone in a wheelchair but i will figure somthing out.

well and Larry are still The friends are all getting a long....which is very good. kinda different bc i dont think we have fought in a while...but its great.

We almost died the other night. thanks to heather. lol. dumb bitches. we didnt even do anything.haha..

hopefully we go out and have another good time tonight. I could REALLY! use that. I tried having a good time lastnight(which i did and needed) get my mind off of everything ya know. it worked...for a while. I just wanna get my mind off of things.

I cant say good-bye forever...But I'll say good-bye for now.

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

(no subject)


No matter how random, revealing, rude or pointless I promise to answer them truthfully..
  • Current Music
    Billy Joel

You know i'll never go... as long as i know its coming straight from the heart.

In the past 24 hrs have you.........

1. Made out: Nope.
2. Bought something: lunch..?
3. Gotten sick: yeah...from thinking about that blood drive.
4. Sang: haha. right now
5. Been kissed: umm no.
6. Ate something: yummy yummy french fries!
7. Felt stupid: umm...i tend to do that often lol
8. Talked to an ex: actually yes.
9. Missed someone: all the time.

Last person who....

1. Slept in your bed: alyssa..she got scared of the dark she is 5
2. Saw you cry: Amanda
3. Made you cry: myself
4. Went to the movies with:Amanda and her b/f and cetta cheese and cettas mom hahahaha

5. You went to the mall with: tisha and casey

Have You Ever...

1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yup...but lets not talk about it.

2. Got in a fight with your pet: umm...dont think so...

3. Been to Florida: nope
4. Been to Mexico: when i was in my mommys tummy...but other then
6. Been to Canada: nope..(TRENT! and i are going some day tho!)
7. Been to Europe: no


1. Do you have a crush on someone: well...yes...

2. What book are you reading now: Rules Of The Road..(and no it isnt a drivers ed book.)

5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Nope...Just me and my Jere pic.

6. What's under your bed: Clothes..i dont know what too scared to look.

7. Favorite sports to watch: FOOTBALL!

8. Location: O-Town!

9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ear Piercings

10. Do you drink: umm...never!

11. What are you most scared of right now: Nothin right now.

12. Where do you want to get married: anywhere as long as its with Jer mike or nick.

13. Who do you really hate: Vanessa from TRL.

15. Do you like being around people: Yup

16. Have you ever cried: ohh yes

17. Are you lonely right now: nope.

18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot : Ass and Titties...ass and titties ass and titties and big bootied bitches. haha

19. Played strip poker: umm im glad to say no.

20. Gotten beaten up: nope

21. Done an all-nighter: yeah....pretty badass i know.

22. Been on radio/TV: yes i have.

23. Been in a mosh-pit: Yes a couple of times...the first time i was pushed in...(thanks TAY!)

24. Been in pain: who hasnt?

25. Been confused: All the fucking time man.
  • Current Music
    Bryan Adams

Memories gone by, yesterdays lost in time we left them w/o a clue I fine myself w/o u

This break was something. it was all crazy. we had some good times and we had some bad. but who doesnt? right?.

i think i got pretty much of all i wanted. more is still to come. so im pretty excited about that. (MY THE AAR DVD!!) hells yeah man. I got my portable dvd player, tons of clothes and music and shit. i got tons i just dont feel like typing it all out. lol. seeing my family was fun. i love christmas. it seriously is so beautiful. i mea what other holiday has its own like movies and music and stuff. i mean yeha sure everyone goes broke and ppl get tired of the music....but in the end it was all worth it. being able to see the ppl you love smiling bc of something you bought or something you did. some ppl only get to see their family for the holidays. i dont know. maybe its me....but i just think its amazing.

New Years was A LOT of fun. until..everything happened. lo. but it was all pretty funny. its all good memories now. I dont think i would be able to say what my favorite part of the night was. Well actually i could. haha. my favorite part had to be when i got to see my beautiful men perform on mtv. it was amazing. they did great. i wish they wouldve played a different song..i get tired of that one but atleast i got to see/hear them. and they did unbelieveable...(THE AAR)love them!!

My favorite story from that night:

ALEX: I went there and I got hit by the Truck back there. and I dropped my sparx, it broke, in the bush.

ME (the real story): Alex went back there and She ran into the gas tank. She dropped her sparx, it broke, and it rolled under the tree.

it was soo fucking funny. then she fell in the ditch or something and started bleeding. She broke her phone. and her finger was bleeding like hell. it was crazy. I didnt really see much of Tay that night so i have no drunken stories to tell about her. same with katie. But Gahan....oh where do i begin with Gahan..too much to say so i better

I think we spent more time fighting then hanging out over the last 2-3 weeks. i hated it. then when everything was going right and good something else had to happen to ruin it all. it was terrible. everything to be ok but then not at the same time. i dont really like thngs the way they are. I hate (i really hate) when you are down and someone just comes along and kicks you justa s you are trying to get up. i mean they might not notice they do it sometimes but they do. Some ppl dont realize what they say can hurt someone more then what they think it could. Sometimes ppl do things before they think about what they are saying or doing. i hate that. i mean i know we all do it sometimes but some ppl do it constantly....not even meaning to. I try to be greatful for what i have but sometimes(most of the time) its hard bc i know i dont deserve it.

-I cant say goodbye forever, But i'll say good bye for now-
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your heart gives mine reason to beat now.

well it seems like forever since i have updated.

My friends have been fighting like no other! i fucking hate it. everyone seriously just needs to just say how they feel so it is all out..i mean yeah everyone will be mad at eachother for a couple of days, but they wouldnt have to hold it all in anymore. Im seriously just tired of people. i hate how people act one way to your face and another behind your back. I have realizing a lot of things lately. Like how fake people can be and who my real friends are and who i can trust...stuff like that. I have been thinking about the future a lot also AGAIN! and once again it freaks me out. I dont want to be here when im older. i want to amount to something. I dont wanna be 35 still living in my parents basement hanging out with 17yr olds smoking pot..(like kidding) but yeah. anyways ttyl

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(no subject)

I havent updated in awhile. A lot has happened.

well first of Dad is better. which makes me happy! Very happy. Me Tay and Katie went to the AP, BT, STS, and The JV concert last weekend. It was fuckign awesome. words cant explain how much fun we had. everyone was sooo nice. we made a couple of new friends. and met pretty much all the band members from all the bands they were all very nice.

Last weekend:
-Katie falling in love with Justin lol.
-Taylor going CRAZY on 2 caffine pills.
-KATIE COMING HOME AND EATING "COMBOS!!" food hahaha lmao. loser.
-The BT boys actually having a full conversation with us. and tellin us how awesome we are for rockin out.
-Taylor and Katie waking up to me bawling my eyes out at 2:30am to Titanic.

well alot more has happened. too much soo im not gunna write about all of it right now.
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The walls are closing in now. Im walking through it somehow. waking up from nothing give me sumthing

Really I don't understand how bad things can happen to such good people. I just don't understand it. Its bullshit. God! ugh! Im sooo mad. I dont even know where to begin..well my dad is back into the hospital. He was there a couple of weeks ago, for a couple of days, i went to visit him when he got out and he seemed a lot better. But now he is back in. He has been there for awhile now. And when Amanda and I called him earlier Amanda said he sounded really bad...and like he was crying. My dad doesnt cry. He is one of those "I-can-take-any-kind-of-pain" tough guys. Ugh this is tearing me apart. it really is. I've been tryign not to think about it..but how can you just forget that your dad is in the hospital. Ugh!! its sooupsetting and soo depressing. I just dont know where to start and where to end. and how to say it. and what to say. and what not to say. My head is all over the place. So many things are building up inside of me and i dont know if i cant take it any longer.

Well i just broke down infront of everyone in my house!! i dont do that. I usually sit in my bed, turn the music up loud, and cry in my pillow. This time i guess i didnt make it to the bed fast enough bc everyone was there when i broke down. they all looked at me as i took my cds and darted for my bed and pillow. of course my mom followed to see if i was ok.(I thought that was nice).

Well im going to try to not talk about my dad anymore. Too depressing it really is. So me and HIM are pretty much over. I took it hard at first but now i have much bigger of my school work and my brothers.(they are with my aunt right now bc of my dad and all.)A lot of ppl have been telling me I havent been myself lately. that bothers me. I just want to be me. not really. but yeah.werid..? i know. To be honest I really miss him. and i dont like it. Im trying to be strong about everything. but i dont know how much longer it is going to be before i really snap. Im not crazy..i dont know what i am. Im just upset. and angry at the fact that my brothers can lose the only thing they really truely love more than anything. or the fact that my dad literally lets ppl live with him when they have nothing left or when they need clothes and dad is the first to say "hey dont wry about it. Ill get it for you." he doesnt expect anything in return, just maybe a thank you..he is a good man and all he gets in return is this. I mean this time when i was told he was in there i thought i would be ok bc its happened before. But i think im taking this time the worst out of all the rest.well I have alot more to say. But i realize that this is a pretty long entry and no one will really read all of it except maybe Taylor. Thanks Tay in advance.

"I've taken all that I can take."
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    Jere's beautiful voice.

In my nightmare there is no place to hide.

Fill this out Bitches!

* I _____ Kelsey.
* Kelsey is _____.
* Kelsey needs ______.
* I want to _____ Kelsey.
* Kelsey can ______.
* Someday Kelsey will _______.
* Kelsey reminds me of _______.
* Without Kelsey, _________.
* Kelsey can be _______.
* Kelsey is always _______.
* Worst thing about Kelsey is ________.
* Best thing about Kelsey is ________.
* I think Kelsey should _________.
* If Kelsey was an animal, she would be a ______.
* Right now, I bet Kelsey is thinking about _______.
* Kelsey makes me want to _______.
* Kelsey probably tastes like ________.
* If I could spend the day with Kelsey, I'd ____________.
* I'd ______ for Kelsey.
* Kelsey is made of _________.
* Kelsey is the _________.
* If I could be Kelsey for a day, I'd ______.
* I want to give Kelsey a ________.
* The song _____ by _____ reminds me of Kelsey.
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    My babies..JERE!!!